| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2008|08:33 pm] |
It's such a shock to me to see how much I have wasted this past year.
I don't considering dating Andy a waste at all, but actually, one of the best things I cold have done. I think it has made me a better person in many different aspects (to say the least).
But there so many things I have/want to do, & I usually don't end up doing any of them. I feel so lethargic most of the time, & I lay in my bed at night wondering, "What did I do with today?"
I'm not sure if I'm just afraid.
Afraid of being on my own, "independent" & sustainable. There's a fear of always being alone, & not just without romance (because that didn't really do much for me). Most of the time I wish I had a good friend that would go birding with me, paint, read, & talk about anything. Someone to just spend time with.
I've had "best friends" but they never really cut it. I've loved them all completely & entirely, but even for them, I was no match. It's just reality. So now, when I'm done my day's work, cleaned up super & am about to work on school, I get restless, & my mind starts to wonder. I wish I knew someone as enthusiastic about Africa as I am, or that really loved to go fishing. I know there's plenty of people out there, I just don't know them. Or at lest I'm told they're "out there".
Or maybe it's just something that's a part of life. People live alone, & it's something that needs to be accepted. I miss having someone who cared about every little thing. But apparently, since he doesn't want to be on the phone for hours talking about nothing, I gather it was never really important to him in the first place.
There's a new kid at work who is really nice & funny. He helps make the day go by a lot faster, just because it's fun now. Not to say I don't like the other people there. I love this lady Grace, because she's known me before Andy & everything. Andy & I even dropped by at work on the day of prom last year (all dressed up) & she still has the picture on her phone. But he's easy to talk to & pretty sarcastic & smart. So it's good.
So, with that said, work has been good lately. Except this one girl quit, so now it's hard for the time slots to be filled in (& I have to fill them).
Bird banding starts soon! I'm super excited about it!
I'm also taking oil painting lessons, starting Friday.
Last thing:
I don't think I'm going to Colorado till after the spring semester of next year, because then I will be able to save a lot of money to go & maybe (this would be a dream come true) will be able to get an apartment there by myself close to the school that I want to go to! I'm really excited about it & I hope it actually happens. I will be really devastated if it doesn't. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2008|09:04 am] |
Currently reading The Metamorphosis, a novella by Franz Kafka.
Pretty amazing.
I've been listening to a lot of Saturday Looks Good To Me: All Your Summer Songs album lately, which takes me back to circa 2002 of singing "Meet Me by the Water" while cleaning my room before ballet class.
Memorial Day was cheery. Family came over (cousins & brats) & there was some grilling & such. I had grilled salmon that, in my mind, was going to taste a lot better than it actually did. It would have been nice if it hadn't been grilled next to the hamburgers, therefore, making it taste like a hamburger. Oh, well.
That day I also helped by uncle bale hay, which was physically demanding & I've had whole-body aches for the past 48 hours that only worsen. Oh, well.
Yesterday I mowed the grass & planted my Oxeye flowers that are now budding & opening up their petals. Then, around four-thirty, I drove mom down to my grandmothers & then to the supermarket, where we did all of our Mr. Z's shopping because Tuesday is the senior citizens discount day so we can, & altogether, save $3.25.
Right now I am cat sitting my friend's kitten who is finding amusement in my lap top charger. He's playing with the cord & pulling the cable out of the computer, because it is magnetic. The little bastard.
On another note, a few days ago I went outside at dawn & had a Black-capped Chickadee spring out in front of me on an evergreen, only five feet away. What a cutie. |
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balanchine's journal